I’ve been playing this game with myself called, “What would I be doing in the Alternate Universe?” Today in the Alternate Universe, I am ordering cute new maternity clothes online to wear to work. Before I got pregnant, I envisioned my future bump snug in the floral print maternity sundresses that I didn’t get to wear last time.  In Reality, I’m wearing old sweatpants and my husband’s t-shirt, which is completely unflattering and depressing, but I have nowhere to go.

In the Alternate Universe, my baby shower was a few days ago.  My friends and family got together in my house to have a tea party, planned by my mom, to celebrate the babies on their way. I got to wear a dress that made me feel pretty instead of just huge. The nursery is painted and decorated, ready to hold baby items from the shower, and awaiting its mini inhabitants.

In Reality, nobody came over this weekend. Floral paper plates sit in a box on the floor of the guest room. The nursery is not painted because my dad is isolated in his own house, and never got to come here to paint it. In fact, I haven’t set the nursery up at all, just folded some old baby laundry here and there. I keep saying, “We should pick a day to paint.” But now there’s no hurry– June is still two months away.

In the Alternate Universe, we are packing to leave for our spring break trip. I will get to spend the weekend with one of my best friends and her family on our way to the beach. I have a red maternity bathing suit that my husband bought me that says “Baby Watch.” The beach is our happy place. We’ve been planning this trip since last April.

In Reality, our trip is canceled because most of the country is “staying at home.” I had a Zoom coffee date with my friend, which was wonderful, but also sharpened the disappointment of not seeing her, probably for at least another year now. The bathing suit sits in a drawer and will never be used. 

In Reality, I’ve been holding these virtual coffee dates with several of my friends to replace seeing them. One morning last week I had two dates in a row. I spent hours on the phone. My son watched TV all morning so I could chat, and I felt guilty about both his screen-time and the work I was procrastinating, but it was worth it just to laugh in the same time (but different space) as my friends.. 

In Reality, I spend about 12 hours a day with my son. In a row. In the Alternate Universe, I only spend a few hours a day with him, and those hours are shared with activities like Cooking Dinner and Folding Laundry and Bedtime Routine. But lately, because life is slow, I can absorb him. He loves to laugh and has a great sense of humor. Like me, he’s overly sensitive and leaves cups of water all around the house. Like Patrick, he’s detail-oriented and stubbornly independent. He talks about his babies all the time, and worries about his mommy, and wants to watch dada “bix” things around the house. 

In the Alternate Universe, Patrick and I have separate activities, our own friends, and lots to do. We also don’t have a regular babysitter. Full conversations rarely happen all at once. In Reality, we have been in this house together now for a month without any activities.  There was a 20-minute stretch after he switched our sides of the bathroom entirely (drawers, medicine cabinets, EVERYTHING) that I wondered if we were going to make it. But actually, I don’t think I’ve ever loved him more. Considering the circumstances, it’s been really nice to just spend time with him, without the rush of our normal lives, without all the extra people. I remember during my honeymoon thinking that this was the most in love I would ever be, but I was wrong. Love is wearing a face mask to go out during a pandemic to buy your pregnant wife a new iron supplement because Amazon now takes a week to deliver. It’s watching The Sopranos again together during naptime. I keep thinking about how lucky I am to be stuck in the house with him.

It mostly hurts to think about the Alternate Universe and everything I am missing out on, especially my friends and family, and what should be a really exciting time to share with them. There are those who have been affected more directly by this pandemic, who are on the front lines or actually sick. But I think the rest of us still need to mourn our “old” lives, our people and our hobbies. Humans are social creatures and we are seeing how physically painful it is to isolate ourselves. 

On the other hand, I think for many of us there has been a silver lining to our lives being on pause. I appreciate my old life in ways that I never knew I had to appreciate it. The little things like running to Target just to browse, and not wiping off all of my groceries with a Clorox wipe. I keep asking my husband, “How will this change us?” I hope that when this is finally over that our appreciation will linger, that we won’t quickly forget this reality that we are living. That we’ll continue to have regular Zoom coffee dates and happy hours with our friends who are far away. That we remember the little ways we tried to make holidays and birthdays special without any of the normal fuss. We got this chance to reset and simplify our lives, and for that I can be grateful.